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challenge accepted

No you don’t understand, we’ve had a massive surplus of cheese since the Great Depression. The national government was determined to maintain the dairy industry when our markets crashed and so they developed a policy of buying up surplus cheese that regular citizens couldn’t afford. 

We’ve been shoving the stuff into caves in Missouri because there’s so much of it we haven’t really had anywhere else to put it because you can’t just destroy cheese. You try to burn it and it melts. It’s so heavily processed that it doesn’t biodegrade, and it can’t be fed to animals or turned into anything else. Our only other alternatives would be to dump it into the ocean which we would absolutely not do ever since the whole medical waste thing or to launch it into space which is way too expensive.

In the 1980s Reagan began a government cheese program to distribute some of the excess to welfare and food stamps recipients. And since then we’ve had the Got Milk? campaign which was a government scheme to get the general public to consume more dairy products to help slow the stockpiling. (By the way, cow milk may not be as good for us as we’re led to believe. There’s a lot of debate in the scientific community about whether the hormones present in the milk might have a link to cancer.)

Our surplus cheese is also why so many restaurants put so goddamn much of it into absolutely everything. A division of the federal government known as Dairy Management heavily promotes any restaurants that push cheesy menu items, even as the DoA’s Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion warns of the health risks associated with a cheese-heavy diet.

Basically the feds are conspiring to kill us all with dairy products because they got so buddy-buddy with the dairy industry in the first half of the 20th century that they’ve dug themselves into a hole and they’re paying Big Dairy too much to back out now.

this is the best news ive heard all year

finally, my chance to serve my country has come

Don't be the product, buy the product!